"I am on a mission to elevate the beauty of Christian marriage by awakening wives, husbands, and church leaders to the plight of abuse, and to show them that there is a better way. And when the better way can’t be reached due to pride or unrepentance, I will hold out hope that grace is there to lead the way and cover over."
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Dear Husbands in Difficult/Abusive Marriages (who are doing the abusing) – Take Two
Yesterday I asked this question (to Facebook community of women in difficult Christian marriages): “If you could give advice to husbands in how they should treat you as wives specifically related to being in a difficult marriage, what would you say?”
Within moments of posting it, I received a comment that the answers seemed to be more to a husband who was simply inconsiderate than to a husband who was actually abusive. So, I’m going to give it a shot.
Dear Husband,
I know you told me that you don’t read anything that I write, but I can’t say any of these things to your face because I don’t think you listen to me. And you won’t come to counseling with me anymore. And the couple people I have told about us don’t believe me so there is no one else to talk to you about this but me.
I feel unequal to you. Almost all of the time. I don’t think it’s fair that you can buy whatever you want at the grocery store but I have to ask your permission before putting it in the cart. I don’t think it’s fair that I get an allowance and you get the entire checking account. I don’t think it’s fair that you can discipline our kids but I am not allowed to tell you when I think you’re wrong.
I feel controlled by you. You take the debit and credit cards out of my purse and hide them. You block my access to our money. You won’t let me paint our bedroom because you said I’d do a bad job. Even though my cell phone was broken, you wouldn’t buy me a new one until I promised that I’d take it everywhere I went, including if I went to sit outside for a few minutes to read.
I don’t trust you. You have lied to me so many times. About when you’ve been drinking. About where you’ve been. About what you spend and where. About who that number belongs to on your cell phone and about why you text it in the middle of the night. And that’s just what I know about! And then you yell at me, ‘I can’t believe you don’t trust me!’ after a few days of supposedly not lying.
I don’t feel safe with you. You drive while intoxicated. And the last time I stopped you from taking our kids with you in the car while you were drunk, you stormed back in the house and didn’t speak to me for days. You leave our doors unlocked at night and mock me for saying I want them locked. You sometimes don’t come home at night and you don’t always let me know.
You’re mean to me. You call me names. Telling me to stop acting like an ass is the same as calling me an ass. Telling me that I’m insane or a lying moron or out of my mind is cruel, and you do that a lot.
You don’t love me. You only love yourself.
Husband, there is so, so much more I could say. But you need to know this: I can’t do this anymore. How you treat me isn’t okay. I don’t care if no counselor has ever called you on this. I don’t care if everyone at church just thinks I’m a bad wife and I deserve to be treated like this. I’m saying it’s not okay. And it’s not.
Do you – in your quietest moments, when you’re most honest with yourself – actually believe how you treat me is okay? Do you really think how our marriage is working is the way it’s supposed to be? Is this what you always thought it would be like?
We need to get help now. I am going to ask for help until someone helps me.
Your wife
